Sometimes God asks us to be braver than we are  . . .

I’m not a very brave person.  I hate scary movies, don’t watch the news, avoid sadness if at all possible, and carry other’s pain deeply.  I’m a feeler to the millionth degree and I often find myself avoiding things too much because “I can’t handle it.”

And then God put adoption on our hearts and I was thrown into a terrifying, heart breaking journey.  I faced many fears- money, special needs, international travel- and shed many tears- over children with such severe special needs I feared they’d never hear “yes”, teenage kids asking for families who never got one before aging out, and birth parents making brutally hard decisions to leave their babies.

I “survived” China with surprisingly few tears (given my tendency to weep over anything) and then found myself sobbing in the hotel bathroom the morning we came back to the States.  I wept for a long time over our new son’s deep loss.  Yes, he now had a family but he lost his birth family, and now his birth country and everything that was familiar to him.  He had joined our family almost fearlessly and I marveled at his brave, sweet heart at the same time that I mourned his deep losses.

And then, we got home and it seemed like he had been in our family forever.  He walked into our house like he’d been here forever and hasn’t looked back.  He is fiery, silly, and so sweet and lovable.  I marvel every day that God chose us to be his family and asked me to bravely say yes to facing my  fears.  I thought I’d made it through the “scary” part.

Then, we went to his first cardiology appointment and as the cardiologist spoke foreign words to me, words I wasn’t expecting to hear and had not prepared for, I realized I wasn’t done “being brave.”  I realized that, once again, I was being asked to be braver than I am, to be the mom I never imagined myself to be, and to lean so heavily into God because the truth is . . . I really am not brave.  None of us are brave, but we are asked to trust.  Trust God when the unknowns are scary, trust God when nobody has an answer, trust God when we don’t understand.  I don’t understand why some kids will never have an earthly family, I don’t understand why some kids have broken hearts, I don’t understand a lot of things.  But I do know God holds us through these moments.  He takes our hands as we walk through these moments of deep sadness, and we realize it’s not how brave we are but how trustworthy He is.

” . . . He lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.” 1 Samuel 2:8

“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

What if . . .

we opened our homes, and hearts, as wide as possible, instead of living in our comfort zone

we saw our own deep brokenness in the eyes of others and chose to open our arms, instead of turn away

we lived our lives every day under the mandate of loving others above ourselves, instead of being focused on self gain

we truly chose to love as Jesus did and got deeply involved with people who desperately need Jesus, instead of only loving the “easy to love” friends

we remembered that everything we have is God’s, instead of clinging tightly to temporary things

we said yes to caring for the people God puts in our life, instead of searching for reasons to say no

we were willing to sacrifice in order to care for the poor, the sick, the orphaned, and the widowed, instead of living for short term pleasures

we truly believed that to die to ourselves is to live for Christ

I really wrote this for myself as I struggle to be more like Christ every day, and seek to put others above myself.  I want to live every day with an eternal perspective and open my arms wide to love His people.  One way He has called our family to do that is through adoption.  I love the Casting Crowns song that says “break our hearts for what breaks Yours,” and when we prayed that, it was so clear that He put adoption on our hearts.  Adoption is hard, and it’s so heartbreaking; but, He didn’t leave it there!  God had a story of love and redemption through adoption into a forever family, for orphans . . . and for all of us.  I’m so thankful to serve a God who loves so big and calls us to do the same.  My prayer is that I can put myself aside and love as He does in any way that He asks me to.

I also wanted to share our current reading list with you.  We are really excited to learn about the history and culture of China so here’s what we got for the next few months:

Kid’s books:

Usborne’s Hear and Speak 100 Chinese Words (I’m using this too!)

I See the Sun in China

Dim Sum for Everyone

All About China

Mei Mei Loves the Morning

Living in China

Adult books:

Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage by Kay Bratt- this is a memoir about her time spent in Chinese orphanages.

We are also headed to an Asian Food and Culture Festival in May.  It sounds like a really fun, educational event so we are looking forward to it!