*I am not a doctor or nurse.  These are just some of our favorite recipes to try and the research behind them.  This is not intended to treat or cure any ailment.*

*I’ve posted affiliate links of some of our favorite things. I do make a small commission off these links with no extra charge to you.*

Drinks and liquids

I grew up in a crazy health conscious family in a time when it wasn’t mainstream popular yet.  This really shaped me as I grew up and it’s stayed with me as I create habits and rhythms in my family.  After being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, Adam having an unexpected stroke, and Isaiah’s heart diagnosis, we are trying to be even more proactive in building wellness habits into our days so I thought I’d share some of the simple things we do.

Wellness Teas and Shots:

Ginger Citrus Tea

In the fall and winter, we drink this every day as a wellness booster but it’s really soothing for sore, tickly throats.  So simple to make and super yummy and healthy.

Roughly peel and slice one chunk of ginger.

Boil in 4 cups water with one cinnamon stick for at least 20 minutes. (If you don’t have cinnamon sticks, you can sprinkle cinnamon on your cup of tea at the end.)

Strain into a large glass container with orange and lemon slices.

To serve, add raw honey to a mug and pour liquid over it.  Warm it up. I add a pinch of cayenne pepper to mine but not the kids.

I’m linking research articles on the possible effects of ginger, honey, and cinnamon as anti-inflammatory and antioxidant.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5424551/#:~:text=According%20to%20modern%20scientific%20literature,of%20antioxidant%20are%20present%20in

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK92775/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4466762/

Iced turmeric latte

I could drink these all day every day!  So refreshing and fills my body with tons of antioxidants and anti-inflammatory benefits. I prefer this iced version to the hot version. We used 40 aprons recipe and the sprinkle of cardamom makes this super delicious. Click on the photo to go to her yummy recipe.

I’m linking a research article about the health benefits of turmeric below:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5664031/

Bone broth:

I love drinking bone broth and actually crave it sometimes.  I’ll even drink it in the morning sometimes! I add salt and pepper to it and sip it from a mug.  You can definitely make your own but this former vegetarian just buys it 🙂 I’m linking my favorite ones below (Epic is definitely my favorite tasting one!):

An article on bone broth benefits. It also has a bone broth recipe in it:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323903

Antioxidant shots:

We take a shot of the wolfberry extract juice Ningxia everyday. I’m linking my Young Living website below:

https://myyl.com/thevintagesummerco

A research article on potential benefits of wolfberries. Especially interesting is the section on Vitamin C/ ascorbic acid and how effective it is in wolfberries:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK92756/

These are some of our favorite yummy and nutritious liquids!  We use these throughout the year and usually ramp them up a bit more in the winter.  What are your favorite ways to support your family’s health? Any favorite recipes? Let us know if you try any of ours 🙂

To your first mom:

Thank you for carrying him for nine months. Thank you for tending your body well enough that he thrived and flourished. Thank you for birthing him into the world. I don’t know your story, nor would I share it if I did; but I know that you kept him safe for nine months and were with him the first moments he entered the world. I know it was your eyes he saw first and your voice he knew first. And I know that parts of you are in him in ways that I never will be. I know that you held him first and knew him as a son first. And I know that he loved you first, as only a baby can do with the woman who carried him. You will always hold these special, cherished moments in his life. And for these reasons, you will always be tightly woven in our hearts and in our family. And I am thankful.

To your ayis:

I don’t know how you pour out your hearts, day after day, loving these kids who aren’t your own, teaching them to love so that you can then place them in the arms of another mama. You hold so so many firsts in your hearts- first words, first teeth, first steps. I know our story is definitely not everyone’s, but your love for him was so clear. In the pictures you sent, in the cherished videos of you laughing and being silly with him, in the baby book we have full of pictures of you cooing as he rolled over, feeding him his bottle, holding his hands while he took his first steps, teaching him to color. You fed him, changed him, brushed his teeth; you mothered him. And the love you filled him with is evident in who he is: his fierce loyalty, his reckless confidence, his mischievous playfulness, his big love. He loves us because you loved him. And I’m so thankful that you did.

As his mama, I’m woven together with these other women. The woman who carried and birthed him and knew him first. The women who nurtured him, held him, and taught him how to love. And now me. The mama who knows him as beloved son. I grieve deeply the firsts I missed at the same time I mourn the firsts that these other women will now miss. I rejoice at the gift of loving him while thanking the women who showed him his first love. I call him son while thinking of the woman who no longer does. And I carry all of these women in my heart knowing I probably won’t meet them again. These women who each made him a part of who he is, who each held him, who each let him go, are forever a part of his life and our family. And I’m deeply grateful to share Mother’s Day with all the women who mama’ed my son.

You know how sometimes you think you’re TOTALLY FINE until you start to tell someone you’re totally fine; then, all of a sudden you realize you’re not totally fine?? That was me today. I’ve been having this weird upset/ nervous feeling stomach once or twice a month for the last few months and I was telling Adam about it. I told him “I just don’t know what’s going on because I genuinely haven’t been worrying or stressing through this.” And as the words came out of my mouth, tears suddenly quivered in my eyes and then spilled over until I couldn’t talk. Then all of a sudden, words I didn’t even know I had inside of me began tumbling out through my crying. “I just don’t even know how to figure out what the truth is.” “How can there literally be two exact opposites claiming they are both exactly right?” “Who are we supposed to believe when everyone says something different.” “I think I was naive before and just felt falsely safe and secure.” “Overall I used to feel like the world was generally safe and now I feel scared.” “How can we make sure our kids’ foundation is so strong and secure, nothing scary will shake it?” “How do I decide the truth for my family??” “When will things be normal again?” “What will that normal even be??” Turns out all my Facebook scrolling and news reading had really shaken my world and my heart. And today, I felt fearful and unsure; and I’ve felt that way for weeks.

Because what I’ve realized these last few months is that the world is actually scary. It is full of sinful people who really don’t care about what’s best for me or my family. I was naive to feel secure based off of the safety in the world. But Jesus said “There is trouble in the world. But take heart, for I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.” What does that mean for us in a time like this, or any time? It means that our security and peace isn’t determined by who’s in power or who’s not, or a pandemic. It means that our security and peace isn’t determined by the economic outlook of our country. It means that our security and peace aren’t determined by a news station or newspaper. It comes from Jesus Christ. Fully God but fully man, He walked this earth and experienced our humanness. He knows the pain felt in a groaning and sinful world. He is the author of our days. He knows our every breath, every hair on our head, every nervous heartbeat and flutter of our stomach. He is near us. And He reigns.

The hymn says:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

It is hard to rest in this truth sometimes. It’s hard to trust His goodness sometimes in the midst of unknowns. It’s hard to say all fear is gone. But BECAUSE HE LIVES, we can. Because He came to this earth to overcome it, we can. Because He walked out a perfect life in a sinful world, we can. Because He defeated sin and death on the cross, we can. Because He promises to be near us, we can. Because He promises empowering grace, we can.

Honestly, I’m wrestling this a lot now. It is SO HARD to rest and trust with all the scariness around us. It’s hard to rest and trust when every time I turn on my phone, sensational headlines flash out at me. It’s hard to rest and trust when nothing is familiar or normal. But every time I feel my head and my heart spinning out of control, Jesus gently reminds me that my security is not in this world. My security rests with gaze up and arms out; praising Him through it all, trusting Him through it all, drawing ever closer to Him through it all, and knowing that because He lives, my fears are gone.

If you would have told me even four months ago, I’d be spending my 40th birthday quarantined during a global pandemic, I would have laughed; but here we are.

I loved my 30’s. So many beautiful, and painful, life-altering moments happened. We moved from NYC to Florida then Ohio. When we moved to NYC, my plan was to get a (2nd) degree in fashion design at Parsons. Adam had zero desire to live in New York but saw the dream in my heart and cheered me on. Once we lived there for a while, I realized I didn’t want a full time, fast-paced job; I actually wanted to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom. It was such a huge shift in my heart and that one change has guided many things in my life this last decade. I was diagnosed with Hashimotos after countless misdiagnosis’ like anxiety and panic attacks. The early years of this were really hard as we sorted out my symptoms and treatment. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever really be the “old me.” We got pregnant and lost a baby early in the first trimester. This led to a surgery and our doctor telling us we might not ever be able to have babies. We birthed two babies, two years apart, and I was finally staying at home with our family after a couple of hard medical years. Adam got an amazing new job that led to a fulfilling career. We started the adoption process in China. We bought our first house. Adam had a stroke with no underlying health issues. The morning I got the text is forever engraved in my heart. The disbelief and fear as I raced with the kids to the hospital, not sure what I’d find. His following recovery. And the following year. My heart struggled that year after walking through such a surreal event. We said yes to a 2 1/2 year old boy in China that we had only seen in five pictures and three videos. We clung to those tangible things in the months we waited to travel. We boarded a plane, the four of us, that was bound to China. We met Isaiah and became a family of five. We brought him home and found out his heart condition was much more serious than we thought. We watched our newest family member change from an unsure, look-out-for-himself boy to a cherished sibling and son who is so tightly woven into our family and our hearts and showers us in snuggles, love, and kisses. We learned that God can turn broken into beautiful, and redeem a heart from the ashes.

This last decade has had a lot of mountaintops, a lot of valleys, and a lot of sweet, sustaining moments. And this summer, I’ll have been walking with Jesus for HALF OF MY LIFE. The day I surrendered my heart to His overwhelming grace, I remember praying “I can’t hold the broken together anymore.” And I still cannot. But He has proven Himself relentlessly the last twenty years, and decade, of my life. I’ve been overwhelmed by His grace and nearness; and I’ve yelled out in grief, desperate to feel His presence. I’ve submitted to Him willingly; and I’ve submitted to Him through gritting teeth desperately hoping in His goodness. I’ve rejoiced in answered prayers; and I’ve wept bitterly when my prayers seemed ignored. I’ve devoured His word, treasuring every verse in my heart; and I’ve trudged dutifully through scripture as something to check off. But no matter my response, no matter how much I succeeded or failed, He never left me. He has proven His faithfulness in times of fear, His presence in times of grief, and His goodness in all things. And even when I falter and forget to look up, He keeps His gaze on me. Because I am His cherished, His beloved. And when I look back on my 30’s decade, I see His redemption and grace throughout it. I see Him constantly restoring me, taking my heart of ashes and revealing the beauty in my story, in my life. And I can see that in the moments I was most broken, He held me together. In the moments I wept, He was near. In my moments of pure happiness, He rejoiced with me.

I have no idea what my 40’s will bring. I’m sure some of it will be crazy, some of it will be hard, and a lot of it will be beautiful. Our three kids now will become teenagers and we will hopefully add to our family. I’m sure we will end up in a different house. We’d love to buy a boat and begin family vacation traditions. I’d love to do more with my writing and Etsy shop. Adam and I will celebrate twenty years married. But these are just moments and dreams. As I anticipate my 40’s, I’m thankful for what God showed me in my 30’s; that He is always near, always faithful, and always good. And that in the midst of the ashes, He is always at work, creating beauty, and weaving my story into His story and molding my heart to be more like Him. Here’s to another decade of resting on that!

I love the story in Joshua 4 where God told the Israelite tribes to each take a stone as they passed through the Jordan. He told them to place these stones as a reminder so that when their children asked about them, they would remember the way God had been near them. Sometimes it’s easy to forget the way God has provided for us, the way He’s been near us, the way He’s been faithful over and over again. Our hearts are fickle and tend to panic when we find ourselves in yet another painful place even though He has NEVER forsaken us. So I’ve been thinking that maybe we need to start carrying around stones of remembrance. Whether you write them in a journal, or in the notes section of your phone, or maybe even write them on small rocks and keep them displayed in your house; I want to encourage you to start a list of your “stones” so that when your children or friends or family ask about the Hope they see in your life, you can share those moments where God has shown up every time for you. And as we walk through this unusual time, what better way to look back and see His provision woven throughout our story. Maybe some of my stones sound familiar to you too:

The time God calmed my worry over unknown finances

The time God met me in the middle of the night when I was up alone and scared of when “normal” would return

The time God comforted me in the midst of deep loneliness and isolation

The time God reassured me when I was afraid amidst the sickness and death throughout the world

The time God showed me His goodness when I was surrounded by a broken world

The time God proved His faithfulness to me once again by being so near while I was filled with hurt and sadness

The time God gave me hope to cling to through my losses, whether small or big

The time God gave me grace and patience to be the mama I needed to be through the isolation

The time God lifted my weary heart from the fatigue of long days and nights

God has drawn so near to me through this time and I’ve been overwhelmed with His faithfulness. That the God who was steadfast and true to His promises to the Israelites is the same God who is steadfast and true to His promises to me. He is the God of promises never broken, overwhelming grace, deep-welled comfort, unconditional love, and enduring faithfulness. He will show up for us every time. He will be near us always. He is our constant in a constantly changing world and we can look up to Him with hopeful eyes, and hearts overflowing, as we cling to our stones of remembrance and trust in Him always.

**if you would like to be a part of the stones of remembrance challenge, share your pictures of your rocks with the hashtag #LWpromiserocks I can’t wait to read through and be encouraged by His faithfulness in your life!**

Y’all . . . Hope. It’s a crazy thing. The last few days I’ve felt this little stream of hope bubbling up in my heart. Not a big, loud, dance-around-hope; but a quiet, sweet hope that finds itself as a tear escaping my eye ever so often. It’s a weird time to feel hope welling within. It’s been a hard year; not unbearable, but hard with a lot of loss and pain. We got to bring home Isaiah, which was beautiful and crazy, only to hear that he has a serious, incurable heart condition. And as we’ve dug in and worked with doctors, we’ve learned that what he has is one of a kind so they can give us zero idea of what his prognosis might be. So we are walking a daily unknown at the same time we are walking through the daily loss and joy of adoption. Our family in Florida experienced a deep and unexpected loss. We are in a global pandemic full of unknowns, fears, and losses and witnessing people endure sickness and pain alone. I am a big feeler and extrovert on a totally unprecedented quarantine. Everyone is feeling the unknown of finances and expected normalcy returning. It’s just a really weird, hard time. Yet even still . . . This hope.

I wonder if this is how Mary, and the disciples felt on that dark Saturday. There was really no reason to hope. They just witnessed Judah betray Jesus and Jesus be questioned and accused. They just watched their beloved Lord and Teacher be beaten, killed, and buried. They watched many of his friends scatter and deny Him. There was darkness and loss over the land. They had yet to fully understand what Jesus came to do. Yet even still . . . Hope? Perhaps beneath their weary hearts and red eyes, a tiny hope was fighting its way up. What if EVERYTHING He said was true? What would that mean?

And then, Sunday came. Mary Magdalene went to the tomb to find it empty, the Messiah gone. And then turned around to a stranger, only to hear Him call her by name. Mary Magdalene, once deeply troubled and in bondage, witnessing the Risen Messiah. Because even in the midst of her troubled mind, in the midst of the darkness of the land, in the midst of fears and unknowns, in the midst of loss and grief, even still . . . The tomb was empty and Jesus stood before her, the risen Messiah.

And I realized today, that this slowly rising Hope within me, this tentative but tenacious Hope, was clinging to the truth of Easter. That even in the midst of quarantine, in the midst of loneliness and strange days . . . Even still, He rose from the dead. And perhaps even more so these odd, social distancing days, my heart is finding refuge in this. Because He is once again proving His faithfulness, His goodness, His mercy. That even in THIS He is here. Even in my fears, He is here. Even in my anxieties, He is here. Even in my loneliness, He is here. Even in my grief and loss, He is here. And my heart is quietly rejoicing that He has proven Himself again. And it is finding an even sturdier Hope as I witness His nearness in my life over and over again. Hope doesn’t promise to take away the pain. It doesn’t promise to take away the hurt. Or the loneliness. Or the unknowns. But Hope does promise to be near us always. To never leave us. To hold us up on wings like eagles when our hearts are weary. So that even in the face of these hards times, we can look to the Cross and say Even still . . .

The first Palm Sunday was not a practice in social distancing. It was crowded, the streets overflowing with jostling people waving branches high and crying Hosanna, Hosanna to the King! It was full of people, hearts overflowing that the Promised Messiah was among them and the long years of waiting in silence were over. The Israelites knew about loneliness, they knew about isolation, they knew about living through fears and unknowns. When Jesus was born, God had been silent for hundreds of years. No word, no prophets, just desperate hearts clinging to the whispered hope of a Messiah, an Emmanuel who would be always-near. When Jesus came, full of compassion, full of God’s faithfulness to His promises, full of near-ness, the overflowing joy of the Israelites was evident in Palm Sunday as they cried Hosanna! In Hebrew, hosanna means to save or rescue, a savior. And that is what the Bible promises the Messiah is. One who saves us.

And so this year, as we sit alone in our homes, walking through Holy Week as we social distance, we can know this: the One who came to the Israelites- in the midst of their silence, in the midst of their unknowns, in the midst of their isolation- is the same Savior who draws near to us. In the midst of our silence. In the midst of our unknowns. In the midst of our isolation. He hears our whispered Hosannas, our whispered cry to our Savior, and draws near to us, the ever present Emmanuel.

This year, our hosanna might sound a little hollow in our ears and feel a little lonely in our hearts; but to Jesus’ ear, it’s the sound of His people, all over the world, digging in and holding on to the promises of His word. It’s the sound of His people choosing to worship Him where they are instead of where they want to be. It’s the sound of His people keeping steadfast Hope in His goodness in all things. It’s His people choosing to be light in the darkness. And this Palm Sunday, as we sang out our lonely hosannas, as our hearts longed for connection in the midst of fears and unknowns, He was there. In the tears clinging to our lids, in the broken crack of our voices, in the tight hugs as we clung to our immediate families and sang out. Jesus, Emmanuel, always-with-us, draws near to the broken hearted, the lonely, the vulnerable. And we can see that in the midst of the chaos all around us, He remains, as constant and trust worthy as He was when He walked the crowded streets on that first Palm Sunday. And He is with us. Our Savior. Hosanna to the King!

Easter is getting closer and closer and we’ve all realized that we are going to be quarantined for Easter this year-something I never even dreamed of happening!  I’ve been thinking of some ways to create a meaningful Easter celebration with minimal outside shopping, and all within our home.  I thought I’d share some of my ideas in case they’re helpful to you as well. We’re in this together, right?!

*I’m providing Amazon affiliate links for some items I’ve found as well!  I do receive a small commission from these, at no extra cost to you, but I hope they help limit your searching time and are helpful.*  Just click each picture to shop it.
Also, we aren’t doing all of these, but I wanted to give some options!

Good Friday ideas:

Every Christmas Eve, we eat a Shepherd’s Meal (thank you Sally Clarkson!).  It’s a simple, rustic meal that the kids and I conjure up based off what we think the shepherds might have eaten.  Simple homemade breads and soups, nuts, olives, cheeses, and dried fruits are some of the things we’ve done.  This year for Good Friday, we are doing something similar and calling it our Disciple’s Meal 🙂  Since we have extra downtime, we will do a lot more from scratch.  We plan to make it a little more “Spring-y” with variations on our Christmas recipes: maybe a mint pea or roasted cauliflower soup, or maybe a gazpacho.  For breads, a fresh sourdough or herbed focaccia and fresh fruits instead of dried fruits.

We are all going to make collages, pictures, or write words about what Good Friday, Easter and the resurrection means to our lives.  I’m excited to pause and reflect with Adam and the kids; and I always love hearing what’s in their hearts.

To end our Good Friday reflections, we are going to have an Easter movie theater.  We have a projector that we put on our living room wall but you don’t have to have one to have a fun movie night.  Because of the age and emotions of our kids, we will watch one of the Veggie Tales Easter movies but Passion of the Christ and the Greatest Story Ever Told are great options for an older audience.  We put out tons of snuggly blankets, pillows, and twinkle lights.  For our concession stand, I’m making Peeps Popcorn and pretzels with peanuts.  The Peeps popcorn is super simple: melt down Peeps with butter and drizzle over popped popcorn.

Easter ideas:

Easter is one of two times a year that I coordinate the family and get a few photos in front of the photo backdrops at church.  I didn’t want to lose that this year so I bought the kids fun Easter pj’s and Talullah and I are making a homemade photo drop!  We are going to have a blast getting some fun, candid photos of the family 🙂  I’m linking some cute jammies I found- on each link, you’ll have to scroll to find the Easter prints offered.  For the photo backdrop, I’m hanging vertical rolls of the felt ball garland against the wall and putting the Happy Easter sign over those.  It wold be fun to add photo props like Easter glasses or bunny ears too!

We are usually pretty rushed on Easter morning but this year, obviously, will be relaxed.  We decided to do an Easter brunch since we’ve never had the time to do one.  On the menu: creamy grits bar with optional toppings of scallions, bacon, scrambled eggs, different cheeses, heirloom tomatoes, and black olives; scones; and fruit salad. I’m keeping the drinks simple with sparkling juice throughout the day.

Since we are eating a big brunch mid-morning, I’m going to do a Mediterranean food board spread we can nibble on throughout the day.  You can search Pinterest for beautiful inspiration for these.  I like to set my table with mainly earthy components and add some bright splashes of Spring color.  And we always have tons of twinkling candles for any holiday!  I’m linking some tableware options I’m considering below.

Since we will be at our house all day for Easter, we thought it would be fun to write messages and draw pictures on our doors and windows.  We will do some Easter eggs and bunnies but also write phrases like He is Risen, Jesus Loves Us, etc.

I thought it’d be fun to do something really different for our egg hunt this year . . . so we are going to wait until dark and have a Glow in the Dark egg hunt!  I got some Spring colored twinkle lights, Glow in the Dark eggs, and lots of glowing fun stuff  🙂  Instead of filling them with candy,re going to fill them with Quarantine Coupons: an adventure bike ride with dad, a spa day with mom, Family Game Night of your choice, You Choose Dinner . . . I think they are going to be so excited about these activities to fill our days at home.

Below i’m linking some fun basket gift ideas!  We love doing art supplies, books, journals, or outdoor activities and these are some favorites. I’m also linking our favorite Easter books that tell the Real Story.

I hope these ideas inspire you!  As the grown ups, we set the tone and atmosphere for our home.  My prayer is that my kids feel how special and worthy of celebration Christ’s resurrection is.

I love the story of Ruth in the Bible. She lost so much. Her mother in law Naomi lost so much. But Ruth clung to an unknown Hope; she clung to a Song she felt within her. And in the midst of great loss, she traveled to a foreign land with a whisper of God’s goodness in her heart, a whisper she clung to in the midst of despair. And He was faithful to see her through.

And the story of Hannah, who suffered through daily pain and loss and ridicule. The Bible says she was deeply distressed and poured out her soul to the Lord. In the face of heartache, she turned her heart to God and He was faithful to mend her back together. He took her story of broken dreams and redeemed them into His plan for her life.

Some of us have been pummeled from loss after loss, broken dream after broken dream. Some of us are weary from day after day of tiny hopes deferred, tiny losses sustained. And some of us are struggling to understand the why behind brokenness and heartaches. What can our hearts trust amidst deep pain? What can we fix our eyes on to see us through broken days? The answer lies in the redeemed story of Ruth, in the mended-back-together story of Hannah.

In the midst of silent tears, in the midst of social media chatter, in the midst of the quiet hum of isolation, softly within our hearts, we can hear the answer . . . the ever-gripping song of Hope. When faced with unbearable heartache, worn down by jaded dreams, our voice still breaks and catches with the ever-gripping song of Hope. I can hear this song of hope, ever so quietly, holding our hearts together, tying us to each other, pointing us to the Cross; in the midst of our hurt, it keeps hold of us, gripped tight, and sees us through and helps us keep our heads up, looking to the One who can answer our heart’s song. Because He IS our song of Hope.

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:5

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

And because He has poured His never- ending Hope into our hearts, we can hold on through the trials. We can hold on through the broken hearts. We can hold on through the unthinkable losses. And we can sing the Song in our hearts, no matter how faint it might be, no matter how our voice might break and tremble with hurt and weariness, no matter how tightly we have to cling to it, we can know that it is there. He has placed it within us, the Hope of the Cross, the Hope of our redemption, the Hope of a mended-back-together heart. And He is faithful. And His goodness will see you through when your heart falters. And His promises will hold you up when you can’t stand on your own. And He will gently remind you of His song of Hope and He will renew your heart each day.

This is a super vulnerable post for me but I write it in hopes of helping someone else. I’ve struggled with anxious thoughts and fear off and on for my whole life. Never to the point where I needed medicine or where it affected my day to day life, but it’s just always lying underneath my emotions, like a silent current ready to overtake my actions. And it’s usually in those times when I feel a loss of “control.” I can go years without any physical effects but it’s always in the back of my thoughts- nervous chatter. It doesn’t help that I am a FEELER. I can barely stand other’s sadness, fears, and hardships and these outside influences can really get to me too. I envy people who so easily have joy and abiding faith because mine is fought for and clung to, in the midst of doubts and fears.

When we were matched with Isaiah, instead of feeling joy and anticipation, I was crippled with panic and fear. I remember ending up most days in my bedroom at some point, crying and begging God to take away my fear. I remember telling Adam there was no way I could get on a plane with this deep anxiety. And I remember thinking, if my fear goes away, it truly will be a God thing, because I was gripped so deeply that this seemed impossible. But throughout the following weeks, I kept reading and hearing about God’s empowering grace. We often focus on His saving grace and then forget about His DAILY empowering grace; the grace that promises to see us through the places He’s called us. Slowly, day by day, God lifted my fear. He reminded me that He would give me exactly what I needed to follow Him. When my fear was gone, I asked Him to fill my heart with excitement and joy for this journey. And He did!! He turned my deep fear into a sense of adventure and I traveled to China with confidence and peace.

He has proven His faithfulness over and over again, through Adam’s stroke, our trip to China, Isaiah’s medical diagnosis yet I still struggled underneath. I didn’t want to admit it, but ultimately, I struggled with trusting His goodness. I would never have verbalized this; in fact, I would have told you the opposite but my heart kept wrestling. And then, the Covid 19 pandemic arrived and I’m embarrassed to write this, but I felt a deep, quiet panic start to rise in my heart. There were no words of fear in my mind, no particular thoughts I had but over these last few weeks, I’ve felt this worry rising in me. And today, I just got tired of it. I got tired of never fully surrendering because of fear. I got tired of never fully trusting. I got tired of always being guided by this underlying disquiet. So I chose to embrace Him instead. To rest in His promises. To rest in His provision. To rest in His GOODNESS. To rest in His empowering grace for each day. And to let Him see me through.

And you know what else? I might have to do this again. I might have to surrender my fears to Him more than one time. I might not ever be that person who has a wild and free trust. BUT I am choosing to fight for my faith, to cling to hope even when I’m blinded by fear, to always remember that in the midst of ever changing emotions, He is constant and never-changing. And I hope that by doing that, His goodness will lead to my freedom.

Maybe some of us have to fight a little harder for our peace in the midst of the storm. Maybe some of us have to grasp onto His faithfulness a little harder in the midst of our panic. But God sees that, He sees us not letting go of Him, not letting go of our hope in His goodness. And He will give us the grace we need for each day. He will see us through where He has called us. He is the Promise Never Broken. And He promises to draw near when we call on Him. That is what I’m clinging to.