If you would have told me even four months ago, I’d be spending my 40th birthday quarantined during a global pandemic, I would have laughed; but here we are.

I loved my 30’s. So many beautiful, and painful, life-altering moments happened. We moved from NYC to Florida then Ohio. When we moved to NYC, my plan was to get a (2nd) degree in fashion design at Parsons. Adam had zero desire to live in New York but saw the dream in my heart and cheered me on. Once we lived there for a while, I realized I didn’t want a full time, fast-paced job; I actually wanted to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom. It was such a huge shift in my heart and that one change has guided many things in my life this last decade. I was diagnosed with Hashimotos after countless misdiagnosis’ like anxiety and panic attacks. The early years of this were really hard as we sorted out my symptoms and treatment. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever really be the “old me.” We got pregnant and lost a baby early in the first trimester. This led to a surgery and our doctor telling us we might not ever be able to have babies. We birthed two babies, two years apart, and I was finally staying at home with our family after a couple of hard medical years. Adam got an amazing new job that led to a fulfilling career. We started the adoption process in China. We bought our first house. Adam had a stroke with no underlying health issues. The morning I got the text is forever engraved in my heart. The disbelief and fear as I raced with the kids to the hospital, not sure what I’d find. His following recovery. And the following year. My heart struggled that year after walking through such a surreal event. We said yes to a 2 1/2 year old boy in China that we had only seen in five pictures and three videos. We clung to those tangible things in the months we waited to travel. We boarded a plane, the four of us, that was bound to China. We met Isaiah and became a family of five. We brought him home and found out his heart condition was much more serious than we thought. We watched our newest family member change from an unsure, look-out-for-himself boy to a cherished sibling and son who is so tightly woven into our family and our hearts and showers us in snuggles, love, and kisses. We learned that God can turn broken into beautiful, and redeem a heart from the ashes.

This last decade has had a lot of mountaintops, a lot of valleys, and a lot of sweet, sustaining moments. And this summer, I’ll have been walking with Jesus for HALF OF MY LIFE. The day I surrendered my heart to His overwhelming grace, I remember praying “I can’t hold the broken together anymore.” And I still cannot. But He has proven Himself relentlessly the last twenty years, and decade, of my life. I’ve been overwhelmed by His grace and nearness; and I’ve yelled out in grief, desperate to feel His presence. I’ve submitted to Him willingly; and I’ve submitted to Him through gritting teeth desperately hoping in His goodness. I’ve rejoiced in answered prayers; and I’ve wept bitterly when my prayers seemed ignored. I’ve devoured His word, treasuring every verse in my heart; and I’ve trudged dutifully through scripture as something to check off. But no matter my response, no matter how much I succeeded or failed, He never left me. He has proven His faithfulness in times of fear, His presence in times of grief, and His goodness in all things. And even when I falter and forget to look up, He keeps His gaze on me. Because I am His cherished, His beloved. And when I look back on my 30’s decade, I see His redemption and grace throughout it. I see Him constantly restoring me, taking my heart of ashes and revealing the beauty in my story, in my life. And I can see that in the moments I was most broken, He held me together. In the moments I wept, He was near. In my moments of pure happiness, He rejoiced with me.

I have no idea what my 40’s will bring. I’m sure some of it will be crazy, some of it will be hard, and a lot of it will be beautiful. Our three kids now will become teenagers and we will hopefully add to our family. I’m sure we will end up in a different house. We’d love to buy a boat and begin family vacation traditions. I’d love to do more with my writing and Etsy shop. Adam and I will celebrate twenty years married. But these are just moments and dreams. As I anticipate my 40’s, I’m thankful for what God showed me in my 30’s; that He is always near, always faithful, and always good. And that in the midst of the ashes, He is always at work, creating beauty, and weaving my story into His story and molding my heart to be more like Him. Here’s to another decade of resting on that!