This is a super vulnerable post for me but I write it in hopes of helping someone else. I’ve struggled with anxious thoughts and fear off and on for my whole life. Never to the point where I needed medicine or where it affected my day to day life, but it’s just always lying underneath my emotions, like a silent current ready to overtake my actions. And it’s usually in those times when I feel a loss of “control.” I can go years without any physical effects but it’s always in the back of my thoughts- nervous chatter. It doesn’t help that I am a FEELER. I can barely stand other’s sadness, fears, and hardships and these outside influences can really get to me too. I envy people who so easily have joy and abiding faith because mine is fought for and clung to, in the midst of doubts and fears.

When we were matched with Isaiah, instead of feeling joy and anticipation, I was crippled with panic and fear. I remember ending up most days in my bedroom at some point, crying and begging God to take away my fear. I remember telling Adam there was no way I could get on a plane with this deep anxiety. And I remember thinking, if my fear goes away, it truly will be a God thing, because I was gripped so deeply that this seemed impossible. But throughout the following weeks, I kept reading and hearing about God’s empowering grace. We often focus on His saving grace and then forget about His DAILY empowering grace; the grace that promises to see us through the places He’s called us. Slowly, day by day, God lifted my fear. He reminded me that He would give me exactly what I needed to follow Him. When my fear was gone, I asked Him to fill my heart with excitement and joy for this journey. And He did!! He turned my deep fear into a sense of adventure and I traveled to China with confidence and peace.

He has proven His faithfulness over and over again, through Adam’s stroke, our trip to China, Isaiah’s medical diagnosis yet I still struggled underneath. I didn’t want to admit it, but ultimately, I struggled with trusting His goodness. I would never have verbalized this; in fact, I would have told you the opposite but my heart kept wrestling. And then, the Covid 19 pandemic arrived and I’m embarrassed to write this, but I felt a deep, quiet panic start to rise in my heart. There were no words of fear in my mind, no particular thoughts I had but over these last few weeks, I’ve felt this worry rising in me. And today, I just got tired of it. I got tired of never fully surrendering because of fear. I got tired of never fully trusting. I got tired of always being guided by this underlying disquiet. So I chose to embrace Him instead. To rest in His promises. To rest in His provision. To rest in His GOODNESS. To rest in His empowering grace for each day. And to let Him see me through.

And you know what else? I might have to do this again. I might have to surrender my fears to Him more than one time. I might not ever be that person who has a wild and free trust. BUT I am choosing to fight for my faith, to cling to hope even when I’m blinded by fear, to always remember that in the midst of ever changing emotions, He is constant and never-changing. And I hope that by doing that, His goodness will lead to my freedom.

Maybe some of us have to fight a little harder for our peace in the midst of the storm. Maybe some of us have to grasp onto His faithfulness a little harder in the midst of our panic. But God sees that, He sees us not letting go of Him, not letting go of our hope in His goodness. And He will give us the grace we need for each day. He will see us through where He has called us. He is the Promise Never Broken. And He promises to draw near when we call on Him. That is what I’m clinging to.